z

Young Writers Society



M-9

by Lady Pirate


Taking it down, sorry

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User avatar
250 Reviews

Points: 1040
Reviews: 250

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Thu Jan 10, 2008 5:22 pm
Night Mistress says...



i have already done the corrections on the hard copy. i really like your story, ems.




User avatar
41 Reviews

Points: 1323
Reviews: 41

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Tue Jan 08, 2008 11:55 pm
Billy wrote a review...



This just keeps getting better and better. ^^

Getting out of the house, wasn’t a major problem either.


You don't need a comma here.

It is currently shoved in the pocket of my coat.


You've changed to present tense here, it should be 'It was shoved in the pocket of my coat.

she asked raising her eyebrows and turning towards the sink to wash her hands.


You need a comma after 'asked'.

I have no idea where I’m going.


Again, you've switched to present tense here.

Parking meter I shoved my hands in my pockets.


You need a full stop after 'Parking meter'.

I was hoping the make a silence entrance


You mean silent.

I was like Indigo from the Princess Bride.


Just to be pedantic, it was Inigo. :P. Great analogy, though.

I man in silver was leaning against it.


You mean 'A man'.

Here, you will not go my Lona.


This should be 'by', not 'my'.

Or it could be the fact that L’ordre du Sang, does not allow humor.


No comma here.

How do you insure your secrets


It should be ensure, not insure.

waste able blood.


Waste able seems awkward, try expendable instead.

the end of America, as we know it.


Take out the comma here.

I let go of the guys arm momentarily.


Should be guy's.

I picked up a hard back copy of James Patterson’s Maximum Ride


Sorry, I just thought this was irrelevant. Would she notice what the book was, and would it matter if she did? You could just say 'hard back book'.

The five cups of coffee, and Pattie Smith had finally worm off.


Take out the comma and change 'worm' to 'worn'.

Bob Dylan’s Desolation Row, roared out of my speakers.


Take out the comma.

I pulled put the Jeep in drive


Take out the 'pulled'.

I pulled off the mask, and put one a set of black rimmed sunglasses


Take out the comma and change 'one' to 'on'.

he said grinning and laughed.


Put a comma after 'said' and change 'laughed' to 'laughing'.

and we where sure that everything was safe.


Change 'where' to 'were'.

they wouldn’t stop until you where dead. I would be better for you just to disappear.


Change 'where' to 'were' and 'I' to 'it'.

What if they didn’t want me anymore! –Don’t get me wrong, it’s not an ideal situation, but it’s sure as hell a lot better than a foster home.


I didn't quite get this part, she sounded like she was worried about being disowned by her foster family, then sounded like she desperately wanted a foster family.

They’ll ring you dry of information, like you ring dry your wash cloth


Change 'ring' to 'wring'.

Oh, God, they’ve brained washed me haven’t they


Change 'brained' to 'brain'.

I like where this is going though. I'm looking forward to part five.

-Billy.





Life is like an onion. You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
— Carl Sandburg